Alone.

Having a poor social life, I have always attributed that to my parent's upbringing.. my childhood life. From a psychological aspect, it seems rather legit. I had, as one would put it, no life after school, from primary school till secondary school. 10 years, my schedule after school was that of solely academic. My only companion was that of music, my first love that stayed with me throughout my life and even till today, never failed to 'be there for me' as were friends to others. Yes, I did attempt to have friends in school. Being picky about the people I mixed with as a result of mum's strict upbringing, I only made friends with people who were 'decent' and obedient. I always limited my social circle to a few friends. Afterall, I chose quality over quantity. What I could not accomplish, till date, is to keep these friends by my side, and keep the friendship going. Whenever I had to make major changes to my life, especially moving on to a new environment, I would always end up losing friends. Unfortunately, I only noticed it during JC times, when I look around and see other people keeping contact even with their primary school mates. That feeling of lonliness, at certain times, became increasingly unbearable. I couldn't fathom, as to why I always allowed friends, no matter how close we were during the peak of friendship, to slip through my fingertips and fade away into nothing more but fond memories. I used to think that it was all due to my lack of childhood which hindered my social ability. But now, I guess it's more of a phobia.. I've always thought of myself as an extremely selfish person, incapable of loving anyone else but myself alone. As such, I was afraid, that holding on to such friendships, may eventually lead me to hurt them more in the long run, just as I did, to a group of JC friends which in my heart, holds a dear place no one else can ever replace because of the difficult times we went through together. That incident... seeing that friend I so cherish cry and say that she felt hurt because of me.. it made me think. Perhaps that was ultimately why I always decide to let friendship fade away eventually.. I know I would hurt them in the long run. I guess it was also a kind of natural shield for myself, so I wouldn't feel hurt and guilty after hearing their feelings. Sometimes, I really hate myself... and envy others. How are they able to hold friendships close to them, even after a long long period of time, when they meet up so rarely? How I yearn to have such friends.. being able to hang out anytime anywhere, being able to do anything we want without restrictions. I used to think, he was all I needed to have to live. But now.. when he goes out with his own friends, I sit down at home alone and realize, this isn't the life I wanted to have. After that whole setback, I realized the importance of friends in my life.. yet, I also grown to keep my emotions, especially negative emotions, buried deep in me. Unlike the past where I could easily talk to friends whenever I felt sad, now, it's like I chose to build an invisible wall around myself. There is no one I can actually confide in anymore, not even him, especially when most of the time, he's the cause of it. Rather than spiking up a quarrel, perhaps it's best to just keep it buried deep... though it doesn't happen that frequently, I still feel like crap when I have to cry to myself at night, convince myself that everything will be okay, and then wake up in the morning faking a smile. I can't imagine how much I'll change... if I keep this up. How much more lonely can I get...

Uncertainty

Trust. A small word with huge implications. It's something you give to someone you believe in and cherish close to the heart. Something, that you give unconditionally. It's easy to trust people at first try, even to the extent that it can make you fall hard for that one person who gives you that special sense of security and feeling that you can trust in that person regardless of what happens. And yet, what happens if that trust becomes lost on the way? Just as the twin towers eventually crumbled to dust and rubble, trust is also that vulnerable, and once betrayed, crumbles to anger, hurt, disappointment, and eventually nothingness. So then, how do you build up that trust once more? The keyword here is teamwork. You can't possibly build up trust alone that only exists between 2 people, it needs both parties to rebuild that trust. Rebuilding that trust is through actions, the thought process behind making decisions, big or small. While time is also a factor in this rebuilding of trust, most importantly, it's the hearts of the two parties, how motivated and determined are they to want to rebuild and find back that lost trust in each other, bringing their relationship to a deeper level. Explaining in physics terms, two particles can co-exist in 2 different levels, one at a superficial level, and the other at a deeper level. But the level of interest would definitely be that of the deeper level, as that would be what holds the particles together through all external forces. We see at the deeper level, the location of the particles. Is it far apart? Or is it close? If it is far apart, what exactly is the state of motion? The particles could be moving towards each other, ie working together to become closer on a deeper level, rebuilding the trust again. They could also be moving apart from each other, which would indicate that both parties are distancing from each other, unwilling to rebuild the trust, leaving everything status quo. Another instance would be that both particles are moving in the same direction, which means one party is making the effort to rebuild the trust, but the other is moving away and not bothering about the progress of rebuilding the lost trust. So ultimately, you make a choice; which level and what state of motion would you like to move in. It is not easy, rebuilding that lost trust, but through time and both parties efforts, I am positive that the trust would eventually regain its former glory, bringing the relationship to a whole new deeper level.

Reflection

just as how a fish is suddenly thrown into the ocean, this girl is also at a crossroad, not knowing what lies ahead on each different path, not knowing which path to take. after going through what seemed like a tsunami obstacle, she thought finally that things could actually work out and the bonds between people could strengthen. afterall, what else can she hope for but some sunshine after a long period of storm? but now, reality kind of reminds her of sociology, that there are many perspectives that people can have, some of which may be very different. whether we are receptive to the other perspective, ultimately we must accept that there is such a perspective that exists in the very beginning. this acceptance, to her, is akin to understanding the other party's thoughts and actions. living under the umbrella of society norms, she has been confined to basically that realm of space and nothing more. one step, and it's out of discussion. however, now that she met another person... one who loves to go against society's norms, she finds it all so difficult and strenuous just to understand his perspective. actually, its not just his perspective that she's perplexed about, but all of him. it feels like he just runs on a different frequency altogether. well-reminded of how different both of them are, she still refuses to use it as an excuse... 'we're just too different', 'we are not compatible'. she never believed in perfection, just working things out and compromising. she never believed that the lock and key hypothesis applied to reality, much less in love itself. if a perfect couple exists, she believed strongly that it was the fruit of their efforts working to maintain and preserve the bond. she always felt that in every relationship, the initial bonds are of the same fragility. what it boils down to was how each couple would choose to strengthen it. those who gave up the effort of strengthening it, eventually the fragile thread tied between them would just break. hence, she chose not to give up. ultimately, she couldn't force herself to just fold her arms and let it just break away. she desperately tries her best to cling on, using whatever means possible. others say she degraded herself, let herself become an option instead of being another's priority. despite so many negativity, her optimism shone in the darkness, though it remains to be seen if that optimism would turn out to be a right choice or a mistake to be regretted for life. love... is about understanding that other person. at times, especially in the past, she made the mistake of turning away. thinking that all was well in the past, that was the fatal blow to him, and yet... she had no clue it would have meant that much to him. until the storm started... now, she adopts the strategy of listening to him. she tries hard, really. however, when it involves her insecurities, she loses all senses. her friends tell her that her worries are valid, though overboard at times. they support her mentally, preventing several breakdowns many a times, which the he is oblivious to. she calms down and rethinks. finally, she tries her very best to settle on a care-less attitude, just because sometimes, caring less could maintain the bond between them. everytime she sees something to remind herself of the storm, she dies a little more inside. her insistence on removing insecurity... that was just a coping mechanism to prevent herself from being hurt anymore. at times now, she has even learnt to keep the pain to herself. a pain unsaid, that was what eventually changed her from before. she tries to be more matured, by being tolerant of childish remarks posted on fb about her. she keeps to herself once more, hiding all the pain, refusing to admit that she is so hurt and angry. instead she chose to follow her friend's advice, to just sit back and laugh at whatever childish negative remarks about her. she has learnt that being matured is not being bothered about such remarks, because if her conscience is clear, and she knows 10 years down the road, she'll look back at those remarks and know that she would be doing so much better, then those remarks are just akin to the passing breeze. the intention to manipulate and stir up her insecurities, she cannot forgive the culprit, but on the basis of maturity, will let it go. what she can't let go entirely still.. is the injury from the storm. it acts up every now and then, though she knows to make it far, she needs to let go of the past. and so she tries. and tries. tries to understand the things he do. many times, she becomes caught up in her own thoughts and perspective, that she failed to listen to him. sometimes, it happens likewise to him. however, it is a consolation that he would ultimately listen and make promises to reassure. even though now she still steal glances at whats happening in his life, she stops herself from becoming obsessed with it, solely based on her trust in him, even though she herself feels that he may not deserve it sometimes due to the past, but she puts it back into the old storage box in the corner, and tries to justify that he is worthy of that once lost trust. to be able to trust someone that easily after the trust has been lost, she is further convinced, she loves him. she loves him, but she knows that he can't see it now. someday, she hopes that he can finally see her in a different light... just as she aims to understand him eventually so he can feel less heartbroken and sad, she hopes he can also understand her intentions and what she has been through every single bit, to come to love her even more, even more than now, even more than ever.