Alone.

Having a poor social life, I have always attributed that to my parent's upbringing.. my childhood life. From a psychological aspect, it seems rather legit. I had, as one would put it, no life after school, from primary school till secondary school. 10 years, my schedule after school was that of solely academic. My only companion was that of music, my first love that stayed with me throughout my life and even till today, never failed to 'be there for me' as were friends to others. Yes, I did attempt to have friends in school. Being picky about the people I mixed with as a result of mum's strict upbringing, I only made friends with people who were 'decent' and obedient. I always limited my social circle to a few friends. Afterall, I chose quality over quantity. What I could not accomplish, till date, is to keep these friends by my side, and keep the friendship going. Whenever I had to make major changes to my life, especially moving on to a new environment, I would always end up losing friends. Unfortunately, I only noticed it during JC times, when I look around and see other people keeping contact even with their primary school mates. That feeling of lonliness, at certain times, became increasingly unbearable. I couldn't fathom, as to why I always allowed friends, no matter how close we were during the peak of friendship, to slip through my fingertips and fade away into nothing more but fond memories. I used to think that it was all due to my lack of childhood which hindered my social ability. But now, I guess it's more of a phobia.. I've always thought of myself as an extremely selfish person, incapable of loving anyone else but myself alone. As such, I was afraid, that holding on to such friendships, may eventually lead me to hurt them more in the long run, just as I did, to a group of JC friends which in my heart, holds a dear place no one else can ever replace because of the difficult times we went through together. That incident... seeing that friend I so cherish cry and say that she felt hurt because of me.. it made me think. Perhaps that was ultimately why I always decide to let friendship fade away eventually.. I know I would hurt them in the long run. I guess it was also a kind of natural shield for myself, so I wouldn't feel hurt and guilty after hearing their feelings. Sometimes, I really hate myself... and envy others. How are they able to hold friendships close to them, even after a long long period of time, when they meet up so rarely? How I yearn to have such friends.. being able to hang out anytime anywhere, being able to do anything we want without restrictions. I used to think, he was all I needed to have to live. But now.. when he goes out with his own friends, I sit down at home alone and realize, this isn't the life I wanted to have. After that whole setback, I realized the importance of friends in my life.. yet, I also grown to keep my emotions, especially negative emotions, buried deep in me. Unlike the past where I could easily talk to friends whenever I felt sad, now, it's like I chose to build an invisible wall around myself. There is no one I can actually confide in anymore, not even him, especially when most of the time, he's the cause of it. Rather than spiking up a quarrel, perhaps it's best to just keep it buried deep... though it doesn't happen that frequently, I still feel like crap when I have to cry to myself at night, convince myself that everything will be okay, and then wake up in the morning faking a smile. I can't imagine how much I'll change... if I keep this up. How much more lonely can I get...