Reflection

just as how a fish is suddenly thrown into the ocean, this girl is also at a crossroad, not knowing what lies ahead on each different path, not knowing which path to take. after going through what seemed like a tsunami obstacle, she thought finally that things could actually work out and the bonds between people could strengthen. afterall, what else can she hope for but some sunshine after a long period of storm? but now, reality kind of reminds her of sociology, that there are many perspectives that people can have, some of which may be very different. whether we are receptive to the other perspective, ultimately we must accept that there is such a perspective that exists in the very beginning. this acceptance, to her, is akin to understanding the other party's thoughts and actions. living under the umbrella of society norms, she has been confined to basically that realm of space and nothing more. one step, and it's out of discussion. however, now that she met another person... one who loves to go against society's norms, she finds it all so difficult and strenuous just to understand his perspective. actually, its not just his perspective that she's perplexed about, but all of him. it feels like he just runs on a different frequency altogether. well-reminded of how different both of them are, she still refuses to use it as an excuse... 'we're just too different', 'we are not compatible'. she never believed in perfection, just working things out and compromising. she never believed that the lock and key hypothesis applied to reality, much less in love itself. if a perfect couple exists, she believed strongly that it was the fruit of their efforts working to maintain and preserve the bond. she always felt that in every relationship, the initial bonds are of the same fragility. what it boils down to was how each couple would choose to strengthen it. those who gave up the effort of strengthening it, eventually the fragile thread tied between them would just break. hence, she chose not to give up. ultimately, she couldn't force herself to just fold her arms and let it just break away. she desperately tries her best to cling on, using whatever means possible. others say she degraded herself, let herself become an option instead of being another's priority. despite so many negativity, her optimism shone in the darkness, though it remains to be seen if that optimism would turn out to be a right choice or a mistake to be regretted for life. love... is about understanding that other person. at times, especially in the past, she made the mistake of turning away. thinking that all was well in the past, that was the fatal blow to him, and yet... she had no clue it would have meant that much to him. until the storm started... now, she adopts the strategy of listening to him. she tries hard, really. however, when it involves her insecurities, she loses all senses. her friends tell her that her worries are valid, though overboard at times. they support her mentally, preventing several breakdowns many a times, which the he is oblivious to. she calms down and rethinks. finally, she tries her very best to settle on a care-less attitude, just because sometimes, caring less could maintain the bond between them. everytime she sees something to remind herself of the storm, she dies a little more inside. her insistence on removing insecurity... that was just a coping mechanism to prevent herself from being hurt anymore. at times now, she has even learnt to keep the pain to herself. a pain unsaid, that was what eventually changed her from before. she tries to be more matured, by being tolerant of childish remarks posted on fb about her. she keeps to herself once more, hiding all the pain, refusing to admit that she is so hurt and angry. instead she chose to follow her friend's advice, to just sit back and laugh at whatever childish negative remarks about her. she has learnt that being matured is not being bothered about such remarks, because if her conscience is clear, and she knows 10 years down the road, she'll look back at those remarks and know that she would be doing so much better, then those remarks are just akin to the passing breeze. the intention to manipulate and stir up her insecurities, she cannot forgive the culprit, but on the basis of maturity, will let it go. what she can't let go entirely still.. is the injury from the storm. it acts up every now and then, though she knows to make it far, she needs to let go of the past. and so she tries. and tries. tries to understand the things he do. many times, she becomes caught up in her own thoughts and perspective, that she failed to listen to him. sometimes, it happens likewise to him. however, it is a consolation that he would ultimately listen and make promises to reassure. even though now she still steal glances at whats happening in his life, she stops herself from becoming obsessed with it, solely based on her trust in him, even though she herself feels that he may not deserve it sometimes due to the past, but she puts it back into the old storage box in the corner, and tries to justify that he is worthy of that once lost trust. to be able to trust someone that easily after the trust has been lost, she is further convinced, she loves him. she loves him, but she knows that he can't see it now. someday, she hopes that he can finally see her in a different light... just as she aims to understand him eventually so he can feel less heartbroken and sad, she hopes he can also understand her intentions and what she has been through every single bit, to come to love her even more, even more than now, even more than ever.