When jealousy's a bitch.

it's not like we were perfect before leaving respectively for our own overseas adventure. i confess, that i decided to extend my japan trip an extra 6 days just to spite you since you were gg to leave me behind for 3 wks. so i was thinking 'heck, might as well'. it was, unmistakably, a decision i regretted when I embarked to Japan cos I already missed you terribly, words wasn't enough to describe that feeling. all was well (just except that I miss you much) until i saw the photos on my newsfeed. I suppressed that jealousy and sadness at Japan in front of Mel n Isa. When I came back, I agree that I over-reacted a little. Okay maybe not little, considering from your perspective. Apart from that, when u said that you shared a lot in common with the girls, it was more than just jealousy. Actually, it was more of envy than anything else. I thought i was the person who shared the most common stuff with you in the past; we were easily best frens, lovers, soul mates packaged in one. Yet, after June ended, it felt like we were distances apart. Everything reduced to just lovers. it was hard, for me to accept that my role evolved, and that you changed, along with my sensitivity and foolishness. so i let jealousy took reign over my head, and then came the honesty issue. towards you, I can safely say I was honest whenever you were present. just like what kb said, I am an open book. it is indeed challenging for me to hide my emotions. in that aspect, i have always been honest with you, cross my heart. this was also the reason I was comfortable with you, and agreed to this r/s in the first place, cos I didn't have to put on a mask like anybody else. but now knowing that you didn't reciprocate that level of honesty, using the reason that you didn't want to make things worse btwn us, it's really upsetting. now i'm not even sure if these 4 years plus you displayed any truth in your emotions and feelings. sure, you demonstrate acts of love and affection, but in a r/s, it's not just those acts that count. to me, you being honest about how you feel is important. otherwise, this r/s might as well be one-sided. if you say that it already has been for the past 4 years, then I would be truly hurt. I asked to see those messages just to merely see if any 'illegal' stuff were gg on and also to see what she means to you. I wouldn't delete anything. Your refusing to allow me to see those messages only gave me more unnecessary suspicions, worrying and yes immense sadness. you were gg to spend a night with them; was it really so difficult to give me a peace of mind before you go? Now, everytime i turn slightly away, you would shift your entire focus to ur hp/laptop n check fb. this checking of fb is getting a little overwhelming for me. firstly, it reeks of your disinterest to me and everything else surrounding you; secondly, srsly you might as well marry your phone or more specifically fb account if you were gg to spend more time with fb than me. is getting back to your fb messages promptly more important than reality? has technology really swept you off your feet so much so you forget what quality time is? ok this is enough rambling. dunno if you'll see this but this is just what's gg on in this bird brain of mine.