Something's changed. About me. I can't exactly say, but to put it in it's simplest form, I realized I have removed the factor 'friends' from my life equation. Was it under the influence? Or have I just myself to blame for today?
I couldn't imagine what my life would be without them since the start of JC life. I actually widened my so-called 'social circle' and changed myself to be more out-spoken. In return for the bonds of those I called 'friends'. I was happy then, in fact, I felt like I never experienced such warmth before. I love that you had people whom you could talk to when you were helpless or confused, people who cared when you didn't showed up at school, people to lend you a shoulder to cry on literally and give you that bear hug when you really needed one. I love those days really.
But I can't fathom as to what changed that and took those times away. Was it the distance? Or perhaps I felt that I could never fit in like everyone else, just because I was not in a Uni now? Looking at how all my friends are enjoying themselves in Uni made me envious, for one, but most importantly, made me remember that I could not fit in anymore. I was in a different world.
Many a times I wanted to really sit down and cry. My life would have been so different if I hadn't gotten that particular set of results. If everything went according to plan, I would be in NUS, studying what i wanted, making more friends and definitely keeping in touch with those close friends. That's how I imagined my life would have been. Fantastic really. Sadly, it wasn't meant to be.
I guess taking 'friends' out of the equation was one of the most selfish thing I have ever done. But putting it back altogether would now be the most difficult task at hand. One which I'm sure cannot be fixed back perfectly anymore.
So God help me.