Been ages since I penned down my thoughts here. Over the years, there has been many changes in my life. I gained some, and I have lost some. Gained a new job, quite a bit of weight, and of course, my fiance. Lost 2 family members and, pretty much, my patience with some people along the way. I realized that these recent few years taught me some of the most important life lessons. One, family will always remain a priority. Yes, I admit I neglected my family in the past. Going to grandma's house used to be a chore at times. Now, I can't turn back the clock. I can't go back in time and appreciate all the times I got to make a trip to far end of Punngol just for my grandma. Likewise, I can't go back to the heart-to-heart sessions with Uncle Jimmy. You only appreciate stuff like this once you've lost it. And this will add to the list of regrets I have in my life. But with this, I am grateful for them to have taught me that family is all that and more in life. I lost them, but because of them, I gained insight and lessons I will remember for life. Thank you, my dearest grandma and beloved uncle. Another lesson learnt, was courtesy of my now fiance. I was at my bottom's end, having ended my previous relationship of 10 years. I thought I knew love, but I didn't. He showed me love, as a friend, a BFF, and a lover. With him, I gained insight, and learnt more not just about him, but about myself as well. He made me realize, how naive and tolerant I have been all these years. Don't get me wrong, I love my mum, a lot. I would never regret having her as my mum. Nonetheless, this does not erase the fact that sometimes, her behaviour can come across as toxic. And now, with more insights I have been exposed to from my fiance as well as my work (end-of-life care), I've grown to become more aware of such behaviours. My patience grows thinner time after time. Sometimes, I get sick of hearing the screaming, I just wanna walk out of the door and say 'enough is enough'. I'm 31 this year, yet I feel I'm being treated as a 3 year old. And that is just frustrating. Here I am, thinking that as a parent to a daughter getting married, she would be excited for me. But, reality is, I don't feel that from her. I remember the first time telling my parents we have chosen the date and going to view wedding venues, she did not say a word and continued using her phone. Even when my fiance proposed, she was extremely unhappy, saying it was not appropriate as my uncle had passed on not long ago. Despite repeated explanation that it was not against Chinese tradition as getting engaged was a Western tradition, she was adamant that we made a mistake and would not receive her blessing for that. That amount of hurt, is something that I cannot forget till today. All my life, I feel like I have been constantly trying to seek her approval and meet her expectations. Time after time, I try my best. Time after time, there is always something that could have been better. This life event, is something that I hold of great importance in my life. Yet, I don't feel that she understands that, or feel happy for me. I'm at a loss. Is this supposed to be normal, or am I expecting too much? All I know is, I'm done feeling disappointed and hurt. I'll plan everything together with my fiance, and only update if she asks. I will not be saddened when this is planning for a happy occasion. I will not live my life based on trying to fulfill people's expectations. I am way past that. I will remember the life lessons taught, and continue my personal growth. I will no longer be confined to my old life of trying to match up to everyone's expectations. I will be free.

The heart wants what it wants

"I felt like I know him And I know his heart, and I know what He wouldn't do to hurt me But I didn't realize that I feeling so confident And feeling so great about myself And then it just be completely shattered By one thing. By something so stupid But then he'd make me feel crazy Make me feel like it's my fault I was in pain" sounds awfully familiar and something I can totally relate to in the past..

I believe in butterflies

I'm not sure if there was any hidden intention in that introduction to the song. But if there is, I can feel your regret through that song. I'm glad we didn't have to say goodbye. Really glad :)

Closure, and forgiveness.

Amidst my insecurities now that he's gone for a short 3 day trip to Malaysia, I happen to chance upon ZR while scrolling through insta. There was a huge saga (about the time that my very own saga happened as well, pure coincidence) that, basically, revolved around Yuki, Alvin and ZR. Having been through this same experience myself, I could really imagine how much pain Yuki had to go through. Your world just crumbles in a matter of seconds. It's been about... 2 years. Since it happened. 2 years, is an awfully short time. But time isn't ever a determinant in the equation of letting go. Even now, when I see or hear anything that reminds me of the saga, the pain comes straight back to the heart, and the pain feels so real, it's almost like the wound was inflicted just yesterday. I go through this vicious cycle every time - memories flooding with nothing holding back, the stabbing pain, the seemingly never-ending stream of tears, and finally, my aftermath recollections which is the only key to bringing me back to reality, and reassuring myself that what's past is past; that everything, is gonna be alright now. For 2 years, this was the cycle I had to go through, every single time I'm reminded of that fateful period. Many friends who know of this story always ask me: So why do you still want to hold onto him? He's let you down once, what makes you think it won't happen again? Most people urge me to leave him and find someone better. I've had many regrets in my life. I've regretted not pursuing my passion for singing. I've regretted focusing on my academics and missed out a childhood I could have recalled in fondness years down the road. I've regretted getting distracted and not being able to choose the course I wanted in uni. Next, most would expect me to say that I regretted getting back with him, regretted having met him in the first place. If we hadn't been together, I would have one less painful experience in my life. But there's one thing that I can't regret, despite everything. While he's the source of my pain, he's also the source of my happiness. While he may have bore me pain, he's the seed to my entire world. The one person who makes me cry, then wipes away my tears and makes me smile like the fool I am. I won't ever regret having met you. In this past 2 years, we've both changed, so much. Change is inevitable. But these 2 years made us realized what went wrong previously, and from there, we've learnt our mistakes. Our relationship has never felt more real than before. I could feel your sincerity in wanting to make sure things worked out for us this time. I felt it, and this is the reason why I've never regretted holding on to you, waiting for you to turn back. Everybody makes mistakes, especially when we were both young and immature. While he made mistakes, so did I. Forgiving him... Well I can't say that I have 100% succeeded in doing so. But what's tougher than forgiving him, is forgiving myself. I used to think if he could apologize and make promises that this wouldn't happen again, I would be able to find closure. But no. Truth is, closure lies within yourself. I realized this, as looking at his actions these past 2 years, my insecurities and doubts remain unchanged. I'm beginning to forgive his mistakes, but I have yet to start forgiving myself, for letting all these happen. And this, also proves why I'm still living in the past at times. The road to forgiveness is long and treacherous. But now, I know that closure lies at the end of that road. Slowly, I'll forgive him, and hopefully, begin my long road of self-forgiveness in search of closure. YH. I hope you're able to forgive me of my past mistakes, and thank you for your past 6 years of sincerity. It isn't easy having me as a gf, I know, but for you to tolerate and appreciate me for who I am, there can only be one reason. And I'm really grateful for that :) Love is a decision. My decision, is still you.

One step at a time.

So, it's been quite a while since I've last written anything here. Much time has passed, especially since that incident. But here I am, back to reminiscing the past, looking back at my life years ago. Perhaps, it's about reflecting and realising how much I've changed over the course of time. I posted on Facebook quite recently about my views on appreciating Valentine's day. One lesson which I learnt was this - love is not calculated by the amount you spend on gifts and dinners on a single day; it is the sum of small acts of love you do for others throughout your life. It took me many years of ignorance, selfishness and immaturity, to finally comprehend and be able to even offer such views. Believe me, the path wasn't an easy one. I wouldn't say that I've been through life and death, as I'm certain that there are many people out there who have indeed been through worst situations. Nonetheless, this post is a reminder of a small life accomplishment I've made, and beginning that step towards maturity. When he told me he was going to apply for an overseas internship to London for about 3 months, my first reaction, to be honest, wasn't an encouraging one. Having been through a prior traumatizing experience of him going on an overseas exchange programme for this similar period of time, you had to expect a most definite rejection and disapproval. Being the emotional being, my feelings took control. I cried in anger, sadness, and I started worrying, despite him reassuring that the application may not be successful. My gut feeling though, felt that his application would turn out to be successful. I could feel my emotions overwhelming me, and I tried to not see his reply. In that moment, I went into denial. Memories came flooding back in fragments. What if it happens again? What would I do? When he goes, I wouldn't even have completed my final attachment. He won't be there for me when I really need him. And after I've finished my attachment, he won't be around for the entire vacation. How am I going to survive? I panicked. It took a while for the storm in my mind to settle down, and I took a deep breath, to calm myself into thinking rationally. Then, I clicked on the website link and saw the school's website and its available projects. The facts were blatantly in my face. It was surely going to be a very enriching and fruitful experience for him, and engaging in the projects would benefit him greatly in his future career. There was absolutely no reason why I should stop or discourage him from going. If I were in his shoes, I would have never let go of this opportunity. When I knew it would be wrong of me to stop him, the only thing I could do, was to encourage him to go for it. Inside, my heart was breaking into a million pieces, knowing that if things went wrong again, this will be it for us. All the while, as I typed in the reply, my heart screamed at how foolish I was. But logic and rationale was what propelled me to tell him to apply. It's not like the application turned out successful yet, but to even encourage him to apply despite those insecurities was a very difficult decision for me. I was reminded of the lesson I learnt during V day. These small acts, comes in various forms. Today, it came in the form of selflessness, and trust. Selflessness, because I decided to place his interests and needs above mine. Trust, well, it's challenging, and I admit I'm not fully confident, but I trust him enough to let him go. The person I am today, isn't the same 2 years ago, or 6 years ago. Through my lived experiences, I must have matured enough to know that the decision I make, would differ from that of 2 years or even 6 years back. I've been through enough to know what is the right thing to do in such a situation, that is, to let him enjoy this opportunity with no regrets after. Maturity doesn't come easy, does it? Perhaps, the more pain you go through in life, the more time you spend reflecting on what went wrong, and eventually realising what your course of action should be. It is a long, long path to attaining true maturity, and I'm only beginning to take baby steps. But hopefully, hopefully I'll get there, one small step at a time.

Alone.

Having a poor social life, I have always attributed that to my parent's upbringing.. my childhood life. From a psychological aspect, it seems rather legit. I had, as one would put it, no life after school, from primary school till secondary school. 10 years, my schedule after school was that of solely academic. My only companion was that of music, my first love that stayed with me throughout my life and even till today, never failed to 'be there for me' as were friends to others. Yes, I did attempt to have friends in school. Being picky about the people I mixed with as a result of mum's strict upbringing, I only made friends with people who were 'decent' and obedient. I always limited my social circle to a few friends. Afterall, I chose quality over quantity. What I could not accomplish, till date, is to keep these friends by my side, and keep the friendship going. Whenever I had to make major changes to my life, especially moving on to a new environment, I would always end up losing friends. Unfortunately, I only noticed it during JC times, when I look around and see other people keeping contact even with their primary school mates. That feeling of lonliness, at certain times, became increasingly unbearable. I couldn't fathom, as to why I always allowed friends, no matter how close we were during the peak of friendship, to slip through my fingertips and fade away into nothing more but fond memories. I used to think that it was all due to my lack of childhood which hindered my social ability. But now, I guess it's more of a phobia.. I've always thought of myself as an extremely selfish person, incapable of loving anyone else but myself alone. As such, I was afraid, that holding on to such friendships, may eventually lead me to hurt them more in the long run, just as I did, to a group of JC friends which in my heart, holds a dear place no one else can ever replace because of the difficult times we went through together. That incident... seeing that friend I so cherish cry and say that she felt hurt because of me.. it made me think. Perhaps that was ultimately why I always decide to let friendship fade away eventually.. I know I would hurt them in the long run. I guess it was also a kind of natural shield for myself, so I wouldn't feel hurt and guilty after hearing their feelings. Sometimes, I really hate myself... and envy others. How are they able to hold friendships close to them, even after a long long period of time, when they meet up so rarely? How I yearn to have such friends.. being able to hang out anytime anywhere, being able to do anything we want without restrictions. I used to think, he was all I needed to have to live. But now.. when he goes out with his own friends, I sit down at home alone and realize, this isn't the life I wanted to have. After that whole setback, I realized the importance of friends in my life.. yet, I also grown to keep my emotions, especially negative emotions, buried deep in me. Unlike the past where I could easily talk to friends whenever I felt sad, now, it's like I chose to build an invisible wall around myself. There is no one I can actually confide in anymore, not even him, especially when most of the time, he's the cause of it. Rather than spiking up a quarrel, perhaps it's best to just keep it buried deep... though it doesn't happen that frequently, I still feel like crap when I have to cry to myself at night, convince myself that everything will be okay, and then wake up in the morning faking a smile. I can't imagine how much I'll change... if I keep this up. How much more lonely can I get...

Uncertainty

Trust. A small word with huge implications. It's something you give to someone you believe in and cherish close to the heart. Something, that you give unconditionally. It's easy to trust people at first try, even to the extent that it can make you fall hard for that one person who gives you that special sense of security and feeling that you can trust in that person regardless of what happens. And yet, what happens if that trust becomes lost on the way? Just as the twin towers eventually crumbled to dust and rubble, trust is also that vulnerable, and once betrayed, crumbles to anger, hurt, disappointment, and eventually nothingness. So then, how do you build up that trust once more? The keyword here is teamwork. You can't possibly build up trust alone that only exists between 2 people, it needs both parties to rebuild that trust. Rebuilding that trust is through actions, the thought process behind making decisions, big or small. While time is also a factor in this rebuilding of trust, most importantly, it's the hearts of the two parties, how motivated and determined are they to want to rebuild and find back that lost trust in each other, bringing their relationship to a deeper level. Explaining in physics terms, two particles can co-exist in 2 different levels, one at a superficial level, and the other at a deeper level. But the level of interest would definitely be that of the deeper level, as that would be what holds the particles together through all external forces. We see at the deeper level, the location of the particles. Is it far apart? Or is it close? If it is far apart, what exactly is the state of motion? The particles could be moving towards each other, ie working together to become closer on a deeper level, rebuilding the trust again. They could also be moving apart from each other, which would indicate that both parties are distancing from each other, unwilling to rebuild the trust, leaving everything status quo. Another instance would be that both particles are moving in the same direction, which means one party is making the effort to rebuild the trust, but the other is moving away and not bothering about the progress of rebuilding the lost trust. So ultimately, you make a choice; which level and what state of motion would you like to move in. It is not easy, rebuilding that lost trust, but through time and both parties efforts, I am positive that the trust would eventually regain its former glory, bringing the relationship to a whole new deeper level.