Closure, and forgiveness.

Amidst my insecurities now that he's gone for a short 3 day trip to Malaysia, I happen to chance upon ZR while scrolling through insta. There was a huge saga (about the time that my very own saga happened as well, pure coincidence) that, basically, revolved around Yuki, Alvin and ZR. Having been through this same experience myself, I could really imagine how much pain Yuki had to go through. Your world just crumbles in a matter of seconds. It's been about... 2 years. Since it happened. 2 years, is an awfully short time. But time isn't ever a determinant in the equation of letting go. Even now, when I see or hear anything that reminds me of the saga, the pain comes straight back to the heart, and the pain feels so real, it's almost like the wound was inflicted just yesterday. I go through this vicious cycle every time - memories flooding with nothing holding back, the stabbing pain, the seemingly never-ending stream of tears, and finally, my aftermath recollections which is the only key to bringing me back to reality, and reassuring myself that what's past is past; that everything, is gonna be alright now. For 2 years, this was the cycle I had to go through, every single time I'm reminded of that fateful period. Many friends who know of this story always ask me: So why do you still want to hold onto him? He's let you down once, what makes you think it won't happen again? Most people urge me to leave him and find someone better. I've had many regrets in my life. I've regretted not pursuing my passion for singing. I've regretted focusing on my academics and missed out a childhood I could have recalled in fondness years down the road. I've regretted getting distracted and not being able to choose the course I wanted in uni. Next, most would expect me to say that I regretted getting back with him, regretted having met him in the first place. If we hadn't been together, I would have one less painful experience in my life. But there's one thing that I can't regret, despite everything. While he's the source of my pain, he's also the source of my happiness. While he may have bore me pain, he's the seed to my entire world. The one person who makes me cry, then wipes away my tears and makes me smile like the fool I am. I won't ever regret having met you. In this past 2 years, we've both changed, so much. Change is inevitable. But these 2 years made us realized what went wrong previously, and from there, we've learnt our mistakes. Our relationship has never felt more real than before. I could feel your sincerity in wanting to make sure things worked out for us this time. I felt it, and this is the reason why I've never regretted holding on to you, waiting for you to turn back. Everybody makes mistakes, especially when we were both young and immature. While he made mistakes, so did I. Forgiving him... Well I can't say that I have 100% succeeded in doing so. But what's tougher than forgiving him, is forgiving myself. I used to think if he could apologize and make promises that this wouldn't happen again, I would be able to find closure. But no. Truth is, closure lies within yourself. I realized this, as looking at his actions these past 2 years, my insecurities and doubts remain unchanged. I'm beginning to forgive his mistakes, but I have yet to start forgiving myself, for letting all these happen. And this, also proves why I'm still living in the past at times. The road to forgiveness is long and treacherous. But now, I know that closure lies at the end of that road. Slowly, I'll forgive him, and hopefully, begin my long road of self-forgiveness in search of closure. YH. I hope you're able to forgive me of my past mistakes, and thank you for your past 6 years of sincerity. It isn't easy having me as a gf, I know, but for you to tolerate and appreciate me for who I am, there can only be one reason. And I'm really grateful for that :) Love is a decision. My decision, is still you.