The heart wants what it wants

"I felt like I know him And I know his heart, and I know what He wouldn't do to hurt me But I didn't realize that I feeling so confident And feeling so great about myself And then it just be completely shattered By one thing. By something so stupid But then he'd make me feel crazy Make me feel like it's my fault I was in pain" sounds awfully familiar and something I can totally relate to in the past..

I believe in butterflies

I'm not sure if there was any hidden intention in that introduction to the song. But if there is, I can feel your regret through that song. I'm glad we didn't have to say goodbye. Really glad :)

Closure, and forgiveness.

Amidst my insecurities now that he's gone for a short 3 day trip to Malaysia, I happen to chance upon ZR while scrolling through insta. There was a huge saga (about the time that my very own saga happened as well, pure coincidence) that, basically, revolved around Yuki, Alvin and ZR. Having been through this same experience myself, I could really imagine how much pain Yuki had to go through. Your world just crumbles in a matter of seconds. It's been about... 2 years. Since it happened. 2 years, is an awfully short time. But time isn't ever a determinant in the equation of letting go. Even now, when I see or hear anything that reminds me of the saga, the pain comes straight back to the heart, and the pain feels so real, it's almost like the wound was inflicted just yesterday. I go through this vicious cycle every time - memories flooding with nothing holding back, the stabbing pain, the seemingly never-ending stream of tears, and finally, my aftermath recollections which is the only key to bringing me back to reality, and reassuring myself that what's past is past; that everything, is gonna be alright now. For 2 years, this was the cycle I had to go through, every single time I'm reminded of that fateful period. Many friends who know of this story always ask me: So why do you still want to hold onto him? He's let you down once, what makes you think it won't happen again? Most people urge me to leave him and find someone better. I've had many regrets in my life. I've regretted not pursuing my passion for singing. I've regretted focusing on my academics and missed out a childhood I could have recalled in fondness years down the road. I've regretted getting distracted and not being able to choose the course I wanted in uni. Next, most would expect me to say that I regretted getting back with him, regretted having met him in the first place. If we hadn't been together, I would have one less painful experience in my life. But there's one thing that I can't regret, despite everything. While he's the source of my pain, he's also the source of my happiness. While he may have bore me pain, he's the seed to my entire world. The one person who makes me cry, then wipes away my tears and makes me smile like the fool I am. I won't ever regret having met you. In this past 2 years, we've both changed, so much. Change is inevitable. But these 2 years made us realized what went wrong previously, and from there, we've learnt our mistakes. Our relationship has never felt more real than before. I could feel your sincerity in wanting to make sure things worked out for us this time. I felt it, and this is the reason why I've never regretted holding on to you, waiting for you to turn back. Everybody makes mistakes, especially when we were both young and immature. While he made mistakes, so did I. Forgiving him... Well I can't say that I have 100% succeeded in doing so. But what's tougher than forgiving him, is forgiving myself. I used to think if he could apologize and make promises that this wouldn't happen again, I would be able to find closure. But no. Truth is, closure lies within yourself. I realized this, as looking at his actions these past 2 years, my insecurities and doubts remain unchanged. I'm beginning to forgive his mistakes, but I have yet to start forgiving myself, for letting all these happen. And this, also proves why I'm still living in the past at times. The road to forgiveness is long and treacherous. But now, I know that closure lies at the end of that road. Slowly, I'll forgive him, and hopefully, begin my long road of self-forgiveness in search of closure. YH. I hope you're able to forgive me of my past mistakes, and thank you for your past 6 years of sincerity. It isn't easy having me as a gf, I know, but for you to tolerate and appreciate me for who I am, there can only be one reason. And I'm really grateful for that :) Love is a decision. My decision, is still you.

One step at a time.

So, it's been quite a while since I've last written anything here. Much time has passed, especially since that incident. But here I am, back to reminiscing the past, looking back at my life years ago. Perhaps, it's about reflecting and realising how much I've changed over the course of time. I posted on Facebook quite recently about my views on appreciating Valentine's day. One lesson which I learnt was this - love is not calculated by the amount you spend on gifts and dinners on a single day; it is the sum of small acts of love you do for others throughout your life. It took me many years of ignorance, selfishness and immaturity, to finally comprehend and be able to even offer such views. Believe me, the path wasn't an easy one. I wouldn't say that I've been through life and death, as I'm certain that there are many people out there who have indeed been through worst situations. Nonetheless, this post is a reminder of a small life accomplishment I've made, and beginning that step towards maturity. When he told me he was going to apply for an overseas internship to London for about 3 months, my first reaction, to be honest, wasn't an encouraging one. Having been through a prior traumatizing experience of him going on an overseas exchange programme for this similar period of time, you had to expect a most definite rejection and disapproval. Being the emotional being, my feelings took control. I cried in anger, sadness, and I started worrying, despite him reassuring that the application may not be successful. My gut feeling though, felt that his application would turn out to be successful. I could feel my emotions overwhelming me, and I tried to not see his reply. In that moment, I went into denial. Memories came flooding back in fragments. What if it happens again? What would I do? When he goes, I wouldn't even have completed my final attachment. He won't be there for me when I really need him. And after I've finished my attachment, he won't be around for the entire vacation. How am I going to survive? I panicked. It took a while for the storm in my mind to settle down, and I took a deep breath, to calm myself into thinking rationally. Then, I clicked on the website link and saw the school's website and its available projects. The facts were blatantly in my face. It was surely going to be a very enriching and fruitful experience for him, and engaging in the projects would benefit him greatly in his future career. There was absolutely no reason why I should stop or discourage him from going. If I were in his shoes, I would have never let go of this opportunity. When I knew it would be wrong of me to stop him, the only thing I could do, was to encourage him to go for it. Inside, my heart was breaking into a million pieces, knowing that if things went wrong again, this will be it for us. All the while, as I typed in the reply, my heart screamed at how foolish I was. But logic and rationale was what propelled me to tell him to apply. It's not like the application turned out successful yet, but to even encourage him to apply despite those insecurities was a very difficult decision for me. I was reminded of the lesson I learnt during V day. These small acts, comes in various forms. Today, it came in the form of selflessness, and trust. Selflessness, because I decided to place his interests and needs above mine. Trust, well, it's challenging, and I admit I'm not fully confident, but I trust him enough to let him go. The person I am today, isn't the same 2 years ago, or 6 years ago. Through my lived experiences, I must have matured enough to know that the decision I make, would differ from that of 2 years or even 6 years back. I've been through enough to know what is the right thing to do in such a situation, that is, to let him enjoy this opportunity with no regrets after. Maturity doesn't come easy, does it? Perhaps, the more pain you go through in life, the more time you spend reflecting on what went wrong, and eventually realising what your course of action should be. It is a long, long path to attaining true maturity, and I'm only beginning to take baby steps. But hopefully, hopefully I'll get there, one small step at a time.