Awakening.

its finally day 5 of the war. i feel like i've been through so much during this past 5 days... and yes i describe it as a world war.. cos my world has gone thru, or rather is gg thru a revolution. Sunday evening, would be the most traumatizing memory of my life. The moment I saw those msgs... those familiar msgs which I used to receive at the start of our r/s... i knew that was the beginning of this war. and gg out behind my back... seriously wad the fk were u thinking? did u throw away all your morals for her? someone u know for 2 months? u say she makes u happy.. but tt doesn't equate to cheating on me, though u felt unhappy for the past 3 years.. no it simply does not equate at all dear. i admit, i've had temptations... but even when i had a crush on you then, when i was in cambridge, i drew the line... never even taking a minute step out of the friendship boundary. i knew, that my heart was only yours, and that no one could replace that. and so when i came back from cambridge, i changed the context of friendship btwn me n ts to that of sibilings to prevent misunderstanding... and to make known to you that there was nth btwn us, no matter how close we seemed to be. apparently, in this area, i was far stronger than u were... and i guess.. though u said that u loved me so much to hv hung on for 3 years hoping... i think now i realized.. that i also loved you that much even before our beginning together. why did you hv to do this? why couldnt you be stronger enough? don't you feel guilty? everytime you flirt with her? spend time with her? hold her hand? haven't you for once thought of me and felt guilty enough to withdraw back? is there no moral integrity in you to have the courage to put a stop when you could? worse still, she is also two-timing you. when you say you are fked up, i actually agreed really. yes, you are super fked up to not hv an ounce of guilt in your heart, thinking of me and the pain i would have to go through cos of wad u did. u said u were selfish for these 3 yrs, for not wanting to be the bad guy in the r/s asking for a break-up. but no, i think you were the most selfish not during that time, but when you went ahead to cross the boundary with her. you were selfish enough to just fulfill your own happiness, without thinking of the consequences that follow. you were selfish enough, to think that i would not find out, and be kept in the dark forever. what immature thinking is this really?? were you so selfish to not think of me even once when you were with her? when you said that you sacrifice so much during the past 3 years, i felt really bad. but now, i actually think that part of it was also your own-doing.. for not talking to me. and i dun mean like jus talking normally, but addressing the issue seriously at hand. no you didnt even do that, you didn't even have the courage to do that. was i that unapproachable? if you really loved me, you would have tried to sit down and talk to me... not jus keep in yourself and lie to me for 3 years, putting up an Oscar act that made me fall even deeper into love with you, so much so that even at this point of time, when everyone is asking me to give you up saying you're not worth it, I STILL LOVE YOU AND ACCEPT EVERY DAMN MISTAKE YOU MADE AND THE PAIN YOU GAVE ME. i've been called silly, stupid, foolish, even a worm, all for the sake of loving you in my definition even up till now. you said you made sacrifices, but that does not mean i did not make sacrifices too. when you hit me, twice, my friends told me to leave you... so did my family. but no, i chose to hung on, cos i know you were just really too agitated. i understood that violence was not part of your personality, and forgave you. now, when you two-time, again, i have to convince myself, and others, that its not part of your personality, and that you were just momentarily deluded by her, hoping that you would wake up one day and realize what you should have done, and come back to me, begging for forgiveness for your mistake. but do you know, every single person that i talked to, including friends of yours, tell me the same advice, to just break up with you and move on to a better guy. at the beginning, i was really too shocked by having to break up with you who i thought was happy with for last 4 years plus, and the two-timing issue. i went into a state of emotional turmoil. and though you said you also felt crap, but let me tell you. having to deal with the issue of being lied to for 3 years, in addition to the two-timing, crap is seriously an understatement. i can tell you for sure, the pain of having to accept both realities, surpass that of your 3 years of 'pain'. no i am not underestimating your pain, but just merely expressing how mine felt. no one i know, i hope, will ever have to go through this same pain that i went through. it's really too much... too much for the heart to bear. as you know, it affected my physical health too. but i guess its all for the coping mechanism in my mind, otherwise i would really have to request for anti-depressants and rank myself in the suicide scale or smth. my only consolation, besides losing weight to my dream weight, is also the fact that im strong enough to not kill myself over you, unlike you. i realized one more thing too, that is i'm really stronger than you are... considering that i never threatened to commit suicide over our r/s once, and that i resisted myself from temptation. yes, i am that much stronger than you are. for now, i hope you can be a stronger person than i am, to have the strength to decide which is the right path to take ahead of you. you said you wanted to love both... n that you didnt want to choose or forgo both. unfortunately, the cruel reality is that you have to only choose one, or ultimately lose both. i say lose, not forgo, cos she would have dumped you away for her bf ultimately when he finds out, or even before that, while me... i may have lost hope for you. u said u hung on for 3 years with that hope in your heart. but that was when my heart was entirely yours. do you think i am able to hold on for that long, when i am not even sure if your entire heart will be with me? when u said that you love both, i felt happy for an instant, cos it meant that i still mean something to you... that at least half of your heart was still with me. but darl... half of your heart doesn't make a r/s work... it has to be your whole heart and nth less. i wld also say the same for her too... that you and her wouldnt work out in the end, knowing that her heart still was with her bf mostly, and not you. why? why can't you see that it is really impossible btwn u n her? why can't you see that she is just playing around with your heart, playing around with your feelings?? the happiness you say... its only going to be temporary and fake. as long as her heart is not with you, your happiness... is fake and unfortunately short lived as well. why can't you fking see that??? why are you hurting yourself and me like that, when you could have stopped and prevented all these pain? SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU, I AM THE ONE WHO TRULY DOES! u said my actions always proved otherwise. now, im demonstrating so much.. that i'm willing to accept the broken you and forgive you. do you know how much love that takes really? do you have the slightest idea how much exactly? if i cheated on you instead, would you have forgiven me that easily, and taken me back into your heart? ppl ask why the hell are you not angry at him. I AM ANGRY! but more than angry... much more than angry... i'm more heartbroken really. why can't you love yourself more and treat yourself better? why hang on to a girl who can never love you back fully, and push away a girl who loves you more than she loves herself, who is willing to forgo her ego and forgive you? do you see how stupid you are now? sigh... i'm not done with what i have to say... but i'm really drained from this week. while she is able to meet you and hang out with you so much, video call n msg u, you forbade me to do so, the me who loves you so much more... i don't know about you... but im missing you like crazy and longing for you so much you can never comprehend exactly. i beg you not to two-time during this period... but you still allow yourself to play with temptation. really, what are you thinking? if you need time, and dun allow me to meet you, then you should at the very least reciprocate by not meeting her too. the same goes for messaging n video-calling. this is really to be fair to both of us, so you get more alone time to think through, and likewise for me. you enjoying your time with her while i suffer alone in silence, is really bullshit seriously. please wake up and do the right thing. get your senses right, get your act right. cleanse your mind, and you will realize in the end what you need to do to make things right where they originally belong, moving in the right path. i hope you derive your awakening soon. i truly pray that you will. p.s. i'm making efforts to live a world without you. are you making an effort to live without her?

When jealousy's a bitch.

it's not like we were perfect before leaving respectively for our own overseas adventure. i confess, that i decided to extend my japan trip an extra 6 days just to spite you since you were gg to leave me behind for 3 wks. so i was thinking 'heck, might as well'. it was, unmistakably, a decision i regretted when I embarked to Japan cos I already missed you terribly, words wasn't enough to describe that feeling. all was well (just except that I miss you much) until i saw the photos on my newsfeed. I suppressed that jealousy and sadness at Japan in front of Mel n Isa. When I came back, I agree that I over-reacted a little. Okay maybe not little, considering from your perspective. Apart from that, when u said that you shared a lot in common with the girls, it was more than just jealousy. Actually, it was more of envy than anything else. I thought i was the person who shared the most common stuff with you in the past; we were easily best frens, lovers, soul mates packaged in one. Yet, after June ended, it felt like we were distances apart. Everything reduced to just lovers. it was hard, for me to accept that my role evolved, and that you changed, along with my sensitivity and foolishness. so i let jealousy took reign over my head, and then came the honesty issue. towards you, I can safely say I was honest whenever you were present. just like what kb said, I am an open book. it is indeed challenging for me to hide my emotions. in that aspect, i have always been honest with you, cross my heart. this was also the reason I was comfortable with you, and agreed to this r/s in the first place, cos I didn't have to put on a mask like anybody else. but now knowing that you didn't reciprocate that level of honesty, using the reason that you didn't want to make things worse btwn us, it's really upsetting. now i'm not even sure if these 4 years plus you displayed any truth in your emotions and feelings. sure, you demonstrate acts of love and affection, but in a r/s, it's not just those acts that count. to me, you being honest about how you feel is important. otherwise, this r/s might as well be one-sided. if you say that it already has been for the past 4 years, then I would be truly hurt. I asked to see those messages just to merely see if any 'illegal' stuff were gg on and also to see what she means to you. I wouldn't delete anything. Your refusing to allow me to see those messages only gave me more unnecessary suspicions, worrying and yes immense sadness. you were gg to spend a night with them; was it really so difficult to give me a peace of mind before you go? Now, everytime i turn slightly away, you would shift your entire focus to ur hp/laptop n check fb. this checking of fb is getting a little overwhelming for me. firstly, it reeks of your disinterest to me and everything else surrounding you; secondly, srsly you might as well marry your phone or more specifically fb account if you were gg to spend more time with fb than me. is getting back to your fb messages promptly more important than reality? has technology really swept you off your feet so much so you forget what quality time is? ok this is enough rambling. dunno if you'll see this but this is just what's gg on in this bird brain of mine.