One step at a time.

So, it's been quite a while since I've last written anything here. Much time has passed, especially since that incident. But here I am, back to reminiscing the past, looking back at my life years ago. Perhaps, it's about reflecting and realising how much I've changed over the course of time. I posted on Facebook quite recently about my views on appreciating Valentine's day. One lesson which I learnt was this - love is not calculated by the amount you spend on gifts and dinners on a single day; it is the sum of small acts of love you do for others throughout your life. It took me many years of ignorance, selfishness and immaturity, to finally comprehend and be able to even offer such views. Believe me, the path wasn't an easy one. I wouldn't say that I've been through life and death, as I'm certain that there are many people out there who have indeed been through worst situations. Nonetheless, this post is a reminder of a small life accomplishment I've made, and beginning that step towards maturity. When he told me he was going to apply for an overseas internship to London for about 3 months, my first reaction, to be honest, wasn't an encouraging one. Having been through a prior traumatizing experience of him going on an overseas exchange programme for this similar period of time, you had to expect a most definite rejection and disapproval. Being the emotional being, my feelings took control. I cried in anger, sadness, and I started worrying, despite him reassuring that the application may not be successful. My gut feeling though, felt that his application would turn out to be successful. I could feel my emotions overwhelming me, and I tried to not see his reply. In that moment, I went into denial. Memories came flooding back in fragments. What if it happens again? What would I do? When he goes, I wouldn't even have completed my final attachment. He won't be there for me when I really need him. And after I've finished my attachment, he won't be around for the entire vacation. How am I going to survive? I panicked. It took a while for the storm in my mind to settle down, and I took a deep breath, to calm myself into thinking rationally. Then, I clicked on the website link and saw the school's website and its available projects. The facts were blatantly in my face. It was surely going to be a very enriching and fruitful experience for him, and engaging in the projects would benefit him greatly in his future career. There was absolutely no reason why I should stop or discourage him from going. If I were in his shoes, I would have never let go of this opportunity. When I knew it would be wrong of me to stop him, the only thing I could do, was to encourage him to go for it. Inside, my heart was breaking into a million pieces, knowing that if things went wrong again, this will be it for us. All the while, as I typed in the reply, my heart screamed at how foolish I was. But logic and rationale was what propelled me to tell him to apply. It's not like the application turned out successful yet, but to even encourage him to apply despite those insecurities was a very difficult decision for me. I was reminded of the lesson I learnt during V day. These small acts, comes in various forms. Today, it came in the form of selflessness, and trust. Selflessness, because I decided to place his interests and needs above mine. Trust, well, it's challenging, and I admit I'm not fully confident, but I trust him enough to let him go. The person I am today, isn't the same 2 years ago, or 6 years ago. Through my lived experiences, I must have matured enough to know that the decision I make, would differ from that of 2 years or even 6 years back. I've been through enough to know what is the right thing to do in such a situation, that is, to let him enjoy this opportunity with no regrets after. Maturity doesn't come easy, does it? Perhaps, the more pain you go through in life, the more time you spend reflecting on what went wrong, and eventually realising what your course of action should be. It is a long, long path to attaining true maturity, and I'm only beginning to take baby steps. But hopefully, hopefully I'll get there, one small step at a time.