Reflection

just as how a fish is suddenly thrown into the ocean, this girl is also at a crossroad, not knowing what lies ahead on each different path, not knowing which path to take. after going through what seemed like a tsunami obstacle, she thought finally that things could actually work out and the bonds between people could strengthen. afterall, what else can she hope for but some sunshine after a long period of storm? but now, reality kind of reminds her of sociology, that there are many perspectives that people can have, some of which may be very different. whether we are receptive to the other perspective, ultimately we must accept that there is such a perspective that exists in the very beginning. this acceptance, to her, is akin to understanding the other party's thoughts and actions. living under the umbrella of society norms, she has been confined to basically that realm of space and nothing more. one step, and it's out of discussion. however, now that she met another person... one who loves to go against society's norms, she finds it all so difficult and strenuous just to understand his perspective. actually, its not just his perspective that she's perplexed about, but all of him. it feels like he just runs on a different frequency altogether. well-reminded of how different both of them are, she still refuses to use it as an excuse... 'we're just too different', 'we are not compatible'. she never believed in perfection, just working things out and compromising. she never believed that the lock and key hypothesis applied to reality, much less in love itself. if a perfect couple exists, she believed strongly that it was the fruit of their efforts working to maintain and preserve the bond. she always felt that in every relationship, the initial bonds are of the same fragility. what it boils down to was how each couple would choose to strengthen it. those who gave up the effort of strengthening it, eventually the fragile thread tied between them would just break. hence, she chose not to give up. ultimately, she couldn't force herself to just fold her arms and let it just break away. she desperately tries her best to cling on, using whatever means possible. others say she degraded herself, let herself become an option instead of being another's priority. despite so many negativity, her optimism shone in the darkness, though it remains to be seen if that optimism would turn out to be a right choice or a mistake to be regretted for life. love... is about understanding that other person. at times, especially in the past, she made the mistake of turning away. thinking that all was well in the past, that was the fatal blow to him, and yet... she had no clue it would have meant that much to him. until the storm started... now, she adopts the strategy of listening to him. she tries hard, really. however, when it involves her insecurities, she loses all senses. her friends tell her that her worries are valid, though overboard at times. they support her mentally, preventing several breakdowns many a times, which the he is oblivious to. she calms down and rethinks. finally, she tries her very best to settle on a care-less attitude, just because sometimes, caring less could maintain the bond between them. everytime she sees something to remind herself of the storm, she dies a little more inside. her insistence on removing insecurity... that was just a coping mechanism to prevent herself from being hurt anymore. at times now, she has even learnt to keep the pain to herself. a pain unsaid, that was what eventually changed her from before. she tries to be more matured, by being tolerant of childish remarks posted on fb about her. she keeps to herself once more, hiding all the pain, refusing to admit that she is so hurt and angry. instead she chose to follow her friend's advice, to just sit back and laugh at whatever childish negative remarks about her. she has learnt that being matured is not being bothered about such remarks, because if her conscience is clear, and she knows 10 years down the road, she'll look back at those remarks and know that she would be doing so much better, then those remarks are just akin to the passing breeze. the intention to manipulate and stir up her insecurities, she cannot forgive the culprit, but on the basis of maturity, will let it go. what she can't let go entirely still.. is the injury from the storm. it acts up every now and then, though she knows to make it far, she needs to let go of the past. and so she tries. and tries. tries to understand the things he do. many times, she becomes caught up in her own thoughts and perspective, that she failed to listen to him. sometimes, it happens likewise to him. however, it is a consolation that he would ultimately listen and make promises to reassure. even though now she still steal glances at whats happening in his life, she stops herself from becoming obsessed with it, solely based on her trust in him, even though she herself feels that he may not deserve it sometimes due to the past, but she puts it back into the old storage box in the corner, and tries to justify that he is worthy of that once lost trust. to be able to trust someone that easily after the trust has been lost, she is further convinced, she loves him. she loves him, but she knows that he can't see it now. someday, she hopes that he can finally see her in a different light... just as she aims to understand him eventually so he can feel less heartbroken and sad, she hopes he can also understand her intentions and what she has been through every single bit, to come to love her even more, even more than now, even more than ever.

Awakening.

its finally day 5 of the war. i feel like i've been through so much during this past 5 days... and yes i describe it as a world war.. cos my world has gone thru, or rather is gg thru a revolution. Sunday evening, would be the most traumatizing memory of my life. The moment I saw those msgs... those familiar msgs which I used to receive at the start of our r/s... i knew that was the beginning of this war. and gg out behind my back... seriously wad the fk were u thinking? did u throw away all your morals for her? someone u know for 2 months? u say she makes u happy.. but tt doesn't equate to cheating on me, though u felt unhappy for the past 3 years.. no it simply does not equate at all dear. i admit, i've had temptations... but even when i had a crush on you then, when i was in cambridge, i drew the line... never even taking a minute step out of the friendship boundary. i knew, that my heart was only yours, and that no one could replace that. and so when i came back from cambridge, i changed the context of friendship btwn me n ts to that of sibilings to prevent misunderstanding... and to make known to you that there was nth btwn us, no matter how close we seemed to be. apparently, in this area, i was far stronger than u were... and i guess.. though u said that u loved me so much to hv hung on for 3 years hoping... i think now i realized.. that i also loved you that much even before our beginning together. why did you hv to do this? why couldnt you be stronger enough? don't you feel guilty? everytime you flirt with her? spend time with her? hold her hand? haven't you for once thought of me and felt guilty enough to withdraw back? is there no moral integrity in you to have the courage to put a stop when you could? worse still, she is also two-timing you. when you say you are fked up, i actually agreed really. yes, you are super fked up to not hv an ounce of guilt in your heart, thinking of me and the pain i would have to go through cos of wad u did. u said u were selfish for these 3 yrs, for not wanting to be the bad guy in the r/s asking for a break-up. but no, i think you were the most selfish not during that time, but when you went ahead to cross the boundary with her. you were selfish enough to just fulfill your own happiness, without thinking of the consequences that follow. you were selfish enough, to think that i would not find out, and be kept in the dark forever. what immature thinking is this really?? were you so selfish to not think of me even once when you were with her? when you said that you sacrifice so much during the past 3 years, i felt really bad. but now, i actually think that part of it was also your own-doing.. for not talking to me. and i dun mean like jus talking normally, but addressing the issue seriously at hand. no you didnt even do that, you didn't even have the courage to do that. was i that unapproachable? if you really loved me, you would have tried to sit down and talk to me... not jus keep in yourself and lie to me for 3 years, putting up an Oscar act that made me fall even deeper into love with you, so much so that even at this point of time, when everyone is asking me to give you up saying you're not worth it, I STILL LOVE YOU AND ACCEPT EVERY DAMN MISTAKE YOU MADE AND THE PAIN YOU GAVE ME. i've been called silly, stupid, foolish, even a worm, all for the sake of loving you in my definition even up till now. you said you made sacrifices, but that does not mean i did not make sacrifices too. when you hit me, twice, my friends told me to leave you... so did my family. but no, i chose to hung on, cos i know you were just really too agitated. i understood that violence was not part of your personality, and forgave you. now, when you two-time, again, i have to convince myself, and others, that its not part of your personality, and that you were just momentarily deluded by her, hoping that you would wake up one day and realize what you should have done, and come back to me, begging for forgiveness for your mistake. but do you know, every single person that i talked to, including friends of yours, tell me the same advice, to just break up with you and move on to a better guy. at the beginning, i was really too shocked by having to break up with you who i thought was happy with for last 4 years plus, and the two-timing issue. i went into a state of emotional turmoil. and though you said you also felt crap, but let me tell you. having to deal with the issue of being lied to for 3 years, in addition to the two-timing, crap is seriously an understatement. i can tell you for sure, the pain of having to accept both realities, surpass that of your 3 years of 'pain'. no i am not underestimating your pain, but just merely expressing how mine felt. no one i know, i hope, will ever have to go through this same pain that i went through. it's really too much... too much for the heart to bear. as you know, it affected my physical health too. but i guess its all for the coping mechanism in my mind, otherwise i would really have to request for anti-depressants and rank myself in the suicide scale or smth. my only consolation, besides losing weight to my dream weight, is also the fact that im strong enough to not kill myself over you, unlike you. i realized one more thing too, that is i'm really stronger than you are... considering that i never threatened to commit suicide over our r/s once, and that i resisted myself from temptation. yes, i am that much stronger than you are. for now, i hope you can be a stronger person than i am, to have the strength to decide which is the right path to take ahead of you. you said you wanted to love both... n that you didnt want to choose or forgo both. unfortunately, the cruel reality is that you have to only choose one, or ultimately lose both. i say lose, not forgo, cos she would have dumped you away for her bf ultimately when he finds out, or even before that, while me... i may have lost hope for you. u said u hung on for 3 years with that hope in your heart. but that was when my heart was entirely yours. do you think i am able to hold on for that long, when i am not even sure if your entire heart will be with me? when u said that you love both, i felt happy for an instant, cos it meant that i still mean something to you... that at least half of your heart was still with me. but darl... half of your heart doesn't make a r/s work... it has to be your whole heart and nth less. i wld also say the same for her too... that you and her wouldnt work out in the end, knowing that her heart still was with her bf mostly, and not you. why? why can't you see that it is really impossible btwn u n her? why can't you see that she is just playing around with your heart, playing around with your feelings?? the happiness you say... its only going to be temporary and fake. as long as her heart is not with you, your happiness... is fake and unfortunately short lived as well. why can't you fking see that??? why are you hurting yourself and me like that, when you could have stopped and prevented all these pain? SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU, I AM THE ONE WHO TRULY DOES! u said my actions always proved otherwise. now, im demonstrating so much.. that i'm willing to accept the broken you and forgive you. do you know how much love that takes really? do you have the slightest idea how much exactly? if i cheated on you instead, would you have forgiven me that easily, and taken me back into your heart? ppl ask why the hell are you not angry at him. I AM ANGRY! but more than angry... much more than angry... i'm more heartbroken really. why can't you love yourself more and treat yourself better? why hang on to a girl who can never love you back fully, and push away a girl who loves you more than she loves herself, who is willing to forgo her ego and forgive you? do you see how stupid you are now? sigh... i'm not done with what i have to say... but i'm really drained from this week. while she is able to meet you and hang out with you so much, video call n msg u, you forbade me to do so, the me who loves you so much more... i don't know about you... but im missing you like crazy and longing for you so much you can never comprehend exactly. i beg you not to two-time during this period... but you still allow yourself to play with temptation. really, what are you thinking? if you need time, and dun allow me to meet you, then you should at the very least reciprocate by not meeting her too. the same goes for messaging n video-calling. this is really to be fair to both of us, so you get more alone time to think through, and likewise for me. you enjoying your time with her while i suffer alone in silence, is really bullshit seriously. please wake up and do the right thing. get your senses right, get your act right. cleanse your mind, and you will realize in the end what you need to do to make things right where they originally belong, moving in the right path. i hope you derive your awakening soon. i truly pray that you will. p.s. i'm making efforts to live a world without you. are you making an effort to live without her?

When jealousy's a bitch.

it's not like we were perfect before leaving respectively for our own overseas adventure. i confess, that i decided to extend my japan trip an extra 6 days just to spite you since you were gg to leave me behind for 3 wks. so i was thinking 'heck, might as well'. it was, unmistakably, a decision i regretted when I embarked to Japan cos I already missed you terribly, words wasn't enough to describe that feeling. all was well (just except that I miss you much) until i saw the photos on my newsfeed. I suppressed that jealousy and sadness at Japan in front of Mel n Isa. When I came back, I agree that I over-reacted a little. Okay maybe not little, considering from your perspective. Apart from that, when u said that you shared a lot in common with the girls, it was more than just jealousy. Actually, it was more of envy than anything else. I thought i was the person who shared the most common stuff with you in the past; we were easily best frens, lovers, soul mates packaged in one. Yet, after June ended, it felt like we were distances apart. Everything reduced to just lovers. it was hard, for me to accept that my role evolved, and that you changed, along with my sensitivity and foolishness. so i let jealousy took reign over my head, and then came the honesty issue. towards you, I can safely say I was honest whenever you were present. just like what kb said, I am an open book. it is indeed challenging for me to hide my emotions. in that aspect, i have always been honest with you, cross my heart. this was also the reason I was comfortable with you, and agreed to this r/s in the first place, cos I didn't have to put on a mask like anybody else. but now knowing that you didn't reciprocate that level of honesty, using the reason that you didn't want to make things worse btwn us, it's really upsetting. now i'm not even sure if these 4 years plus you displayed any truth in your emotions and feelings. sure, you demonstrate acts of love and affection, but in a r/s, it's not just those acts that count. to me, you being honest about how you feel is important. otherwise, this r/s might as well be one-sided. if you say that it already has been for the past 4 years, then I would be truly hurt. I asked to see those messages just to merely see if any 'illegal' stuff were gg on and also to see what she means to you. I wouldn't delete anything. Your refusing to allow me to see those messages only gave me more unnecessary suspicions, worrying and yes immense sadness. you were gg to spend a night with them; was it really so difficult to give me a peace of mind before you go? Now, everytime i turn slightly away, you would shift your entire focus to ur hp/laptop n check fb. this checking of fb is getting a little overwhelming for me. firstly, it reeks of your disinterest to me and everything else surrounding you; secondly, srsly you might as well marry your phone or more specifically fb account if you were gg to spend more time with fb than me. is getting back to your fb messages promptly more important than reality? has technology really swept you off your feet so much so you forget what quality time is? ok this is enough rambling. dunno if you'll see this but this is just what's gg on in this bird brain of mine.

Something's changed. About me. I can't exactly say, but to put it in it's simplest form, I realized I have removed the factor 'friends' from my life equation. Was it under the influence? Or have I just myself to blame for today?
I couldn't imagine what my life would be without them since the start of JC life. I actually widened my so-called 'social circle' and changed myself to be more out-spoken. In return for the bonds of those I called 'friends'. I was happy then, in fact, I felt like I never experienced such warmth before. I love that you had people whom you could talk to when you were helpless or confused, people who cared when you didn't showed up at school, people to lend you a shoulder to cry on literally and give you that bear hug when you really needed one. I love those days really.
But I can't fathom as to what changed that and took those times away. Was it the distance? Or perhaps I felt that I could never fit in like everyone else, just because I was not in a Uni now? Looking at how all my friends are enjoying themselves in Uni made me envious, for one, but most importantly, made me remember that I could not fit in anymore. I was in a different world.
Many a times I wanted to really sit down and cry. My life would have been so different if I hadn't gotten that particular set of results. If everything went according to plan, I would be in NUS, studying what i wanted, making more friends and definitely keeping in touch with those close friends. That's how I imagined my life would have been. Fantastic really. Sadly, it wasn't meant to be.
I guess taking 'friends' out of the equation was one of the most selfish thing I have ever done. But putting it back altogether would now be the most difficult task at hand. One which I'm sure cannot be fixed back perfectly anymore.
So God help me.

THE SALTWATER ROOM - OWL CITY

THE SALTWATER ROOM - OWL CITY

I opened my eyes last night and saw you in the low light
Walking down by the bay, on the shore,
Staring up at the stars that aren't there anymore
I was feeling the night grow old and you were looking so cold

So Like an introvert, I drew my over shirt
Around my arms and began to shiver violently
Before you happened to look and see the tunnels all around me
Running into the dark underground

All the subways around create a great sound
To my motion fatigue: farewell
With your ear to a seashell
You can hear the waves in underwater caves
As if you actually were inside a saltwater room

Time together isn't ever quite enough
When you and I are alone, I've never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
only time, only time

Can you believe that the crew has gone and they wouldn't let me sign on?
All my islands have sunk in the deep, so I can hardly relax or even oversleep
When i feel warm with your hand in mine
When we walk along the shoreline
I guess we'll never know why sparrows love the snow
We'll turn off all of the lights and set this ballroom aglow

So tell me darling, do you wish we'd fall in love?
All the time, all the time

Time together isn't ever quite enough
When you and I are alone, I've never felt so at home
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
Only time, only time

When we're apart whatever are you thinking of?
If this is what I call home, why does it feel so alone?
So tell me darling, do you wish we'd fall in love?
All the time, all the time

Time together isn't ever quite enough
When we're apart whatever are you thinking of?
What will it take to make or break this hint of love?
So tell me darling, do you wish we'd fall in love?
Only time, only time

Confessions of a very extremely super broke girl

urgh blocked nose =(
lazing arnd at home
it's rly nice to be able to do anything you want on a weekend=)

this wk was a pretty ...
well i wld say eventful and rollercoaster-like wk
bad stuff first up then

yep had many quarrels wif him
over many things
first was over smth i said tt hurt him
next came the independent speech from me
followed by the 'jealous factor'
sigh
i guess the most impactful of all wld be the last one
but o well
we still managed to clear up the all in the end
mentally taxing
but yeah still survived thru in the end
ultimately unbreakable i hope=)

happy things now!
apart from the clearing up of our quarrels
met up wif the royal highnesses hahahah
jon's enlisting into NS this coming thurs
we can't send him off though
so our meeting was our last meeting wif him b4 he goes in!
kinda sad though
nxt time wan meet up wld be harder le bah
will miss him haha
he dyed his hair!
and shorts! o.0
hahahahaha
went to miss clarity @ thomson
not a rly nice place n the food's sad =(
kb n i shared a bottle of beer
forgot the name haha
tkb tag me on the name of the beer leh lol
i quite like the taste of the beer though
not tt i'm a beer lover
but the taste's rly mild haha
so it's nice to me
jy agrees too
but kb n jon disagrees
o well they always support each other anyway... =p
chatter and loads of laughs abt kb
ROFL. international marriage ceremonies hahahahhaha
miss them big time
i was pretty upset wif him at tt time
but wif the 3 of them
i always switch mood to being happy=)
kb, jy, jon = <3

will be meeting up wif gina nxt sunday lunch=)
will ask her to bring ivan along while i bring yh
but yeah she met yh b4 le haha
official meeting wif her bf!
can't wait!

o ya bought a blue dress from hypnosis and a pair of slip-ons from charles and keith
OMG AT THIS RATE I'M GONNA BE BROKE!!!
already bought 6 diff pieces of clothing - -
still wanna buy
- tights
- white n black tube top
- white shoes! URGENT
- coin purse (the wallet bro bought for me dun hv pouch for coins!!!)
- bag (psst i saw a white carlo rino bag @ bhg lovesssss... but $95 omfg) maybe can aim for a charles n keith bag?
- undergarments (will settle by this wk - - BROKE)

huge sigh
how am i gg to hv enough $ for vday n bday presents?!
die.
stupid pay will only come earliest on the 8th
bloody hell
lucky i no nd contribute to cpf hehehehe
can't wait for pay!!!
i may hv to eat into my this month's savings =(
i promise i'll save more nxt month!!!
o god pls bless me wif better finance management...

tata!

Signing off,
the very extremely super broke girl
P.S. Anyone care to donate to the 'Dawn's Needy Foundation'? Cash and cheque accepted. Lunch and dinner treats are also accepted. Thank you for your generosity=)

omfg
boss is being a total bitch today
he wants me to sit in a lecture tmr jus to see if there's anything worth as an article wtf
nvm tt the content of the lecture is totally irrelevant
the stupid lecture goes on for a whole fucking day
wth wth
total waste of my time
can hv one more article on the patients or volunteers he dun wan
purposely wan to throw this kinda shit to me
and my executive is like totally taking things so easy so relaxed
got interns tt supposed to report to the venue for work attachment at 930
he came at 10 and still make them wait another 15mins
seriously wad is wrong wif the ppl here la.
working in such a shitty department rly makes me mad sometimes
yet i can't rly say much since 'the walls have ears'
much thanks to my blog since it allows me to bitch wadeva i wan lol
no restrictions, no worries.