Closure, and forgiveness.

Amidst my insecurities now that he's gone for a short 3 day trip to Malaysia, I happen to chance upon ZR while scrolling through insta. There was a huge saga (about the time that my very own saga happened as well, pure coincidence) that, basically, revolved around Yuki, Alvin and ZR. Having been through this same experience myself, I could really imagine how much pain Yuki had to go through. Your world just crumbles in a matter of seconds. It's been about... 2 years. Since it happened. 2 years, is an awfully short time. But time isn't ever a determinant in the equation of letting go. Even now, when I see or hear anything that reminds me of the saga, the pain comes straight back to the heart, and the pain feels so real, it's almost like the wound was inflicted just yesterday. I go through this vicious cycle every time - memories flooding with nothing holding back, the stabbing pain, the seemingly never-ending stream of tears, and finally, my aftermath recollections which is the only key to bringing me back to reality, and reassuring myself that what's past is past; that everything, is gonna be alright now. For 2 years, this was the cycle I had to go through, every single time I'm reminded of that fateful period. Many friends who know of this story always ask me: So why do you still want to hold onto him? He's let you down once, what makes you think it won't happen again? Most people urge me to leave him and find someone better. I've had many regrets in my life. I've regretted not pursuing my passion for singing. I've regretted focusing on my academics and missed out a childhood I could have recalled in fondness years down the road. I've regretted getting distracted and not being able to choose the course I wanted in uni. Next, most would expect me to say that I regretted getting back with him, regretted having met him in the first place. If we hadn't been together, I would have one less painful experience in my life. But there's one thing that I can't regret, despite everything. While he's the source of my pain, he's also the source of my happiness. While he may have bore me pain, he's the seed to my entire world. The one person who makes me cry, then wipes away my tears and makes me smile like the fool I am. I won't ever regret having met you. In this past 2 years, we've both changed, so much. Change is inevitable. But these 2 years made us realized what went wrong previously, and from there, we've learnt our mistakes. Our relationship has never felt more real than before. I could feel your sincerity in wanting to make sure things worked out for us this time. I felt it, and this is the reason why I've never regretted holding on to you, waiting for you to turn back. Everybody makes mistakes, especially when we were both young and immature. While he made mistakes, so did I. Forgiving him... Well I can't say that I have 100% succeeded in doing so. But what's tougher than forgiving him, is forgiving myself. I used to think if he could apologize and make promises that this wouldn't happen again, I would be able to find closure. But no. Truth is, closure lies within yourself. I realized this, as looking at his actions these past 2 years, my insecurities and doubts remain unchanged. I'm beginning to forgive his mistakes, but I have yet to start forgiving myself, for letting all these happen. And this, also proves why I'm still living in the past at times. The road to forgiveness is long and treacherous. But now, I know that closure lies at the end of that road. Slowly, I'll forgive him, and hopefully, begin my long road of self-forgiveness in search of closure. YH. I hope you're able to forgive me of my past mistakes, and thank you for your past 6 years of sincerity. It isn't easy having me as a gf, I know, but for you to tolerate and appreciate me for who I am, there can only be one reason. And I'm really grateful for that :) Love is a decision. My decision, is still you.

One step at a time.

So, it's been quite a while since I've last written anything here. Much time has passed, especially since that incident. But here I am, back to reminiscing the past, looking back at my life years ago. Perhaps, it's about reflecting and realising how much I've changed over the course of time. I posted on Facebook quite recently about my views on appreciating Valentine's day. One lesson which I learnt was this - love is not calculated by the amount you spend on gifts and dinners on a single day; it is the sum of small acts of love you do for others throughout your life. It took me many years of ignorance, selfishness and immaturity, to finally comprehend and be able to even offer such views. Believe me, the path wasn't an easy one. I wouldn't say that I've been through life and death, as I'm certain that there are many people out there who have indeed been through worst situations. Nonetheless, this post is a reminder of a small life accomplishment I've made, and beginning that step towards maturity. When he told me he was going to apply for an overseas internship to London for about 3 months, my first reaction, to be honest, wasn't an encouraging one. Having been through a prior traumatizing experience of him going on an overseas exchange programme for this similar period of time, you had to expect a most definite rejection and disapproval. Being the emotional being, my feelings took control. I cried in anger, sadness, and I started worrying, despite him reassuring that the application may not be successful. My gut feeling though, felt that his application would turn out to be successful. I could feel my emotions overwhelming me, and I tried to not see his reply. In that moment, I went into denial. Memories came flooding back in fragments. What if it happens again? What would I do? When he goes, I wouldn't even have completed my final attachment. He won't be there for me when I really need him. And after I've finished my attachment, he won't be around for the entire vacation. How am I going to survive? I panicked. It took a while for the storm in my mind to settle down, and I took a deep breath, to calm myself into thinking rationally. Then, I clicked on the website link and saw the school's website and its available projects. The facts were blatantly in my face. It was surely going to be a very enriching and fruitful experience for him, and engaging in the projects would benefit him greatly in his future career. There was absolutely no reason why I should stop or discourage him from going. If I were in his shoes, I would have never let go of this opportunity. When I knew it would be wrong of me to stop him, the only thing I could do, was to encourage him to go for it. Inside, my heart was breaking into a million pieces, knowing that if things went wrong again, this will be it for us. All the while, as I typed in the reply, my heart screamed at how foolish I was. But logic and rationale was what propelled me to tell him to apply. It's not like the application turned out successful yet, but to even encourage him to apply despite those insecurities was a very difficult decision for me. I was reminded of the lesson I learnt during V day. These small acts, comes in various forms. Today, it came in the form of selflessness, and trust. Selflessness, because I decided to place his interests and needs above mine. Trust, well, it's challenging, and I admit I'm not fully confident, but I trust him enough to let him go. The person I am today, isn't the same 2 years ago, or 6 years ago. Through my lived experiences, I must have matured enough to know that the decision I make, would differ from that of 2 years or even 6 years back. I've been through enough to know what is the right thing to do in such a situation, that is, to let him enjoy this opportunity with no regrets after. Maturity doesn't come easy, does it? Perhaps, the more pain you go through in life, the more time you spend reflecting on what went wrong, and eventually realising what your course of action should be. It is a long, long path to attaining true maturity, and I'm only beginning to take baby steps. But hopefully, hopefully I'll get there, one small step at a time.

Alone.

Having a poor social life, I have always attributed that to my parent's upbringing.. my childhood life. From a psychological aspect, it seems rather legit. I had, as one would put it, no life after school, from primary school till secondary school. 10 years, my schedule after school was that of solely academic. My only companion was that of music, my first love that stayed with me throughout my life and even till today, never failed to 'be there for me' as were friends to others. Yes, I did attempt to have friends in school. Being picky about the people I mixed with as a result of mum's strict upbringing, I only made friends with people who were 'decent' and obedient. I always limited my social circle to a few friends. Afterall, I chose quality over quantity. What I could not accomplish, till date, is to keep these friends by my side, and keep the friendship going. Whenever I had to make major changes to my life, especially moving on to a new environment, I would always end up losing friends. Unfortunately, I only noticed it during JC times, when I look around and see other people keeping contact even with their primary school mates. That feeling of lonliness, at certain times, became increasingly unbearable. I couldn't fathom, as to why I always allowed friends, no matter how close we were during the peak of friendship, to slip through my fingertips and fade away into nothing more but fond memories. I used to think that it was all due to my lack of childhood which hindered my social ability. But now, I guess it's more of a phobia.. I've always thought of myself as an extremely selfish person, incapable of loving anyone else but myself alone. As such, I was afraid, that holding on to such friendships, may eventually lead me to hurt them more in the long run, just as I did, to a group of JC friends which in my heart, holds a dear place no one else can ever replace because of the difficult times we went through together. That incident... seeing that friend I so cherish cry and say that she felt hurt because of me.. it made me think. Perhaps that was ultimately why I always decide to let friendship fade away eventually.. I know I would hurt them in the long run. I guess it was also a kind of natural shield for myself, so I wouldn't feel hurt and guilty after hearing their feelings. Sometimes, I really hate myself... and envy others. How are they able to hold friendships close to them, even after a long long period of time, when they meet up so rarely? How I yearn to have such friends.. being able to hang out anytime anywhere, being able to do anything we want without restrictions. I used to think, he was all I needed to have to live. But now.. when he goes out with his own friends, I sit down at home alone and realize, this isn't the life I wanted to have. After that whole setback, I realized the importance of friends in my life.. yet, I also grown to keep my emotions, especially negative emotions, buried deep in me. Unlike the past where I could easily talk to friends whenever I felt sad, now, it's like I chose to build an invisible wall around myself. There is no one I can actually confide in anymore, not even him, especially when most of the time, he's the cause of it. Rather than spiking up a quarrel, perhaps it's best to just keep it buried deep... though it doesn't happen that frequently, I still feel like crap when I have to cry to myself at night, convince myself that everything will be okay, and then wake up in the morning faking a smile. I can't imagine how much I'll change... if I keep this up. How much more lonely can I get...

Uncertainty

Trust. A small word with huge implications. It's something you give to someone you believe in and cherish close to the heart. Something, that you give unconditionally. It's easy to trust people at first try, even to the extent that it can make you fall hard for that one person who gives you that special sense of security and feeling that you can trust in that person regardless of what happens. And yet, what happens if that trust becomes lost on the way? Just as the twin towers eventually crumbled to dust and rubble, trust is also that vulnerable, and once betrayed, crumbles to anger, hurt, disappointment, and eventually nothingness. So then, how do you build up that trust once more? The keyword here is teamwork. You can't possibly build up trust alone that only exists between 2 people, it needs both parties to rebuild that trust. Rebuilding that trust is through actions, the thought process behind making decisions, big or small. While time is also a factor in this rebuilding of trust, most importantly, it's the hearts of the two parties, how motivated and determined are they to want to rebuild and find back that lost trust in each other, bringing their relationship to a deeper level. Explaining in physics terms, two particles can co-exist in 2 different levels, one at a superficial level, and the other at a deeper level. But the level of interest would definitely be that of the deeper level, as that would be what holds the particles together through all external forces. We see at the deeper level, the location of the particles. Is it far apart? Or is it close? If it is far apart, what exactly is the state of motion? The particles could be moving towards each other, ie working together to become closer on a deeper level, rebuilding the trust again. They could also be moving apart from each other, which would indicate that both parties are distancing from each other, unwilling to rebuild the trust, leaving everything status quo. Another instance would be that both particles are moving in the same direction, which means one party is making the effort to rebuild the trust, but the other is moving away and not bothering about the progress of rebuilding the lost trust. So ultimately, you make a choice; which level and what state of motion would you like to move in. It is not easy, rebuilding that lost trust, but through time and both parties efforts, I am positive that the trust would eventually regain its former glory, bringing the relationship to a whole new deeper level.

Reflection

just as how a fish is suddenly thrown into the ocean, this girl is also at a crossroad, not knowing what lies ahead on each different path, not knowing which path to take. after going through what seemed like a tsunami obstacle, she thought finally that things could actually work out and the bonds between people could strengthen. afterall, what else can she hope for but some sunshine after a long period of storm? but now, reality kind of reminds her of sociology, that there are many perspectives that people can have, some of which may be very different. whether we are receptive to the other perspective, ultimately we must accept that there is such a perspective that exists in the very beginning. this acceptance, to her, is akin to understanding the other party's thoughts and actions. living under the umbrella of society norms, she has been confined to basically that realm of space and nothing more. one step, and it's out of discussion. however, now that she met another person... one who loves to go against society's norms, she finds it all so difficult and strenuous just to understand his perspective. actually, its not just his perspective that she's perplexed about, but all of him. it feels like he just runs on a different frequency altogether. well-reminded of how different both of them are, she still refuses to use it as an excuse... 'we're just too different', 'we are not compatible'. she never believed in perfection, just working things out and compromising. she never believed that the lock and key hypothesis applied to reality, much less in love itself. if a perfect couple exists, she believed strongly that it was the fruit of their efforts working to maintain and preserve the bond. she always felt that in every relationship, the initial bonds are of the same fragility. what it boils down to was how each couple would choose to strengthen it. those who gave up the effort of strengthening it, eventually the fragile thread tied between them would just break. hence, she chose not to give up. ultimately, she couldn't force herself to just fold her arms and let it just break away. she desperately tries her best to cling on, using whatever means possible. others say she degraded herself, let herself become an option instead of being another's priority. despite so many negativity, her optimism shone in the darkness, though it remains to be seen if that optimism would turn out to be a right choice or a mistake to be regretted for life. love... is about understanding that other person. at times, especially in the past, she made the mistake of turning away. thinking that all was well in the past, that was the fatal blow to him, and yet... she had no clue it would have meant that much to him. until the storm started... now, she adopts the strategy of listening to him. she tries hard, really. however, when it involves her insecurities, she loses all senses. her friends tell her that her worries are valid, though overboard at times. they support her mentally, preventing several breakdowns many a times, which the he is oblivious to. she calms down and rethinks. finally, she tries her very best to settle on a care-less attitude, just because sometimes, caring less could maintain the bond between them. everytime she sees something to remind herself of the storm, she dies a little more inside. her insistence on removing insecurity... that was just a coping mechanism to prevent herself from being hurt anymore. at times now, she has even learnt to keep the pain to herself. a pain unsaid, that was what eventually changed her from before. she tries to be more matured, by being tolerant of childish remarks posted on fb about her. she keeps to herself once more, hiding all the pain, refusing to admit that she is so hurt and angry. instead she chose to follow her friend's advice, to just sit back and laugh at whatever childish negative remarks about her. she has learnt that being matured is not being bothered about such remarks, because if her conscience is clear, and she knows 10 years down the road, she'll look back at those remarks and know that she would be doing so much better, then those remarks are just akin to the passing breeze. the intention to manipulate and stir up her insecurities, she cannot forgive the culprit, but on the basis of maturity, will let it go. what she can't let go entirely still.. is the injury from the storm. it acts up every now and then, though she knows to make it far, she needs to let go of the past. and so she tries. and tries. tries to understand the things he do. many times, she becomes caught up in her own thoughts and perspective, that she failed to listen to him. sometimes, it happens likewise to him. however, it is a consolation that he would ultimately listen and make promises to reassure. even though now she still steal glances at whats happening in his life, she stops herself from becoming obsessed with it, solely based on her trust in him, even though she herself feels that he may not deserve it sometimes due to the past, but she puts it back into the old storage box in the corner, and tries to justify that he is worthy of that once lost trust. to be able to trust someone that easily after the trust has been lost, she is further convinced, she loves him. she loves him, but she knows that he can't see it now. someday, she hopes that he can finally see her in a different light... just as she aims to understand him eventually so he can feel less heartbroken and sad, she hopes he can also understand her intentions and what she has been through every single bit, to come to love her even more, even more than now, even more than ever.

Awakening.

its finally day 5 of the war. i feel like i've been through so much during this past 5 days... and yes i describe it as a world war.. cos my world has gone thru, or rather is gg thru a revolution. Sunday evening, would be the most traumatizing memory of my life. The moment I saw those msgs... those familiar msgs which I used to receive at the start of our r/s... i knew that was the beginning of this war. and gg out behind my back... seriously wad the fk were u thinking? did u throw away all your morals for her? someone u know for 2 months? u say she makes u happy.. but tt doesn't equate to cheating on me, though u felt unhappy for the past 3 years.. no it simply does not equate at all dear. i admit, i've had temptations... but even when i had a crush on you then, when i was in cambridge, i drew the line... never even taking a minute step out of the friendship boundary. i knew, that my heart was only yours, and that no one could replace that. and so when i came back from cambridge, i changed the context of friendship btwn me n ts to that of sibilings to prevent misunderstanding... and to make known to you that there was nth btwn us, no matter how close we seemed to be. apparently, in this area, i was far stronger than u were... and i guess.. though u said that u loved me so much to hv hung on for 3 years hoping... i think now i realized.. that i also loved you that much even before our beginning together. why did you hv to do this? why couldnt you be stronger enough? don't you feel guilty? everytime you flirt with her? spend time with her? hold her hand? haven't you for once thought of me and felt guilty enough to withdraw back? is there no moral integrity in you to have the courage to put a stop when you could? worse still, she is also two-timing you. when you say you are fked up, i actually agreed really. yes, you are super fked up to not hv an ounce of guilt in your heart, thinking of me and the pain i would have to go through cos of wad u did. u said u were selfish for these 3 yrs, for not wanting to be the bad guy in the r/s asking for a break-up. but no, i think you were the most selfish not during that time, but when you went ahead to cross the boundary with her. you were selfish enough to just fulfill your own happiness, without thinking of the consequences that follow. you were selfish enough, to think that i would not find out, and be kept in the dark forever. what immature thinking is this really?? were you so selfish to not think of me even once when you were with her? when you said that you sacrifice so much during the past 3 years, i felt really bad. but now, i actually think that part of it was also your own-doing.. for not talking to me. and i dun mean like jus talking normally, but addressing the issue seriously at hand. no you didnt even do that, you didn't even have the courage to do that. was i that unapproachable? if you really loved me, you would have tried to sit down and talk to me... not jus keep in yourself and lie to me for 3 years, putting up an Oscar act that made me fall even deeper into love with you, so much so that even at this point of time, when everyone is asking me to give you up saying you're not worth it, I STILL LOVE YOU AND ACCEPT EVERY DAMN MISTAKE YOU MADE AND THE PAIN YOU GAVE ME. i've been called silly, stupid, foolish, even a worm, all for the sake of loving you in my definition even up till now. you said you made sacrifices, but that does not mean i did not make sacrifices too. when you hit me, twice, my friends told me to leave you... so did my family. but no, i chose to hung on, cos i know you were just really too agitated. i understood that violence was not part of your personality, and forgave you. now, when you two-time, again, i have to convince myself, and others, that its not part of your personality, and that you were just momentarily deluded by her, hoping that you would wake up one day and realize what you should have done, and come back to me, begging for forgiveness for your mistake. but do you know, every single person that i talked to, including friends of yours, tell me the same advice, to just break up with you and move on to a better guy. at the beginning, i was really too shocked by having to break up with you who i thought was happy with for last 4 years plus, and the two-timing issue. i went into a state of emotional turmoil. and though you said you also felt crap, but let me tell you. having to deal with the issue of being lied to for 3 years, in addition to the two-timing, crap is seriously an understatement. i can tell you for sure, the pain of having to accept both realities, surpass that of your 3 years of 'pain'. no i am not underestimating your pain, but just merely expressing how mine felt. no one i know, i hope, will ever have to go through this same pain that i went through. it's really too much... too much for the heart to bear. as you know, it affected my physical health too. but i guess its all for the coping mechanism in my mind, otherwise i would really have to request for anti-depressants and rank myself in the suicide scale or smth. my only consolation, besides losing weight to my dream weight, is also the fact that im strong enough to not kill myself over you, unlike you. i realized one more thing too, that is i'm really stronger than you are... considering that i never threatened to commit suicide over our r/s once, and that i resisted myself from temptation. yes, i am that much stronger than you are. for now, i hope you can be a stronger person than i am, to have the strength to decide which is the right path to take ahead of you. you said you wanted to love both... n that you didnt want to choose or forgo both. unfortunately, the cruel reality is that you have to only choose one, or ultimately lose both. i say lose, not forgo, cos she would have dumped you away for her bf ultimately when he finds out, or even before that, while me... i may have lost hope for you. u said u hung on for 3 years with that hope in your heart. but that was when my heart was entirely yours. do you think i am able to hold on for that long, when i am not even sure if your entire heart will be with me? when u said that you love both, i felt happy for an instant, cos it meant that i still mean something to you... that at least half of your heart was still with me. but darl... half of your heart doesn't make a r/s work... it has to be your whole heart and nth less. i wld also say the same for her too... that you and her wouldnt work out in the end, knowing that her heart still was with her bf mostly, and not you. why? why can't you see that it is really impossible btwn u n her? why can't you see that she is just playing around with your heart, playing around with your feelings?? the happiness you say... its only going to be temporary and fake. as long as her heart is not with you, your happiness... is fake and unfortunately short lived as well. why can't you fking see that??? why are you hurting yourself and me like that, when you could have stopped and prevented all these pain? SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU, I AM THE ONE WHO TRULY DOES! u said my actions always proved otherwise. now, im demonstrating so much.. that i'm willing to accept the broken you and forgive you. do you know how much love that takes really? do you have the slightest idea how much exactly? if i cheated on you instead, would you have forgiven me that easily, and taken me back into your heart? ppl ask why the hell are you not angry at him. I AM ANGRY! but more than angry... much more than angry... i'm more heartbroken really. why can't you love yourself more and treat yourself better? why hang on to a girl who can never love you back fully, and push away a girl who loves you more than she loves herself, who is willing to forgo her ego and forgive you? do you see how stupid you are now? sigh... i'm not done with what i have to say... but i'm really drained from this week. while she is able to meet you and hang out with you so much, video call n msg u, you forbade me to do so, the me who loves you so much more... i don't know about you... but im missing you like crazy and longing for you so much you can never comprehend exactly. i beg you not to two-time during this period... but you still allow yourself to play with temptation. really, what are you thinking? if you need time, and dun allow me to meet you, then you should at the very least reciprocate by not meeting her too. the same goes for messaging n video-calling. this is really to be fair to both of us, so you get more alone time to think through, and likewise for me. you enjoying your time with her while i suffer alone in silence, is really bullshit seriously. please wake up and do the right thing. get your senses right, get your act right. cleanse your mind, and you will realize in the end what you need to do to make things right where they originally belong, moving in the right path. i hope you derive your awakening soon. i truly pray that you will. p.s. i'm making efforts to live a world without you. are you making an effort to live without her?

When jealousy's a bitch.

it's not like we were perfect before leaving respectively for our own overseas adventure. i confess, that i decided to extend my japan trip an extra 6 days just to spite you since you were gg to leave me behind for 3 wks. so i was thinking 'heck, might as well'. it was, unmistakably, a decision i regretted when I embarked to Japan cos I already missed you terribly, words wasn't enough to describe that feeling. all was well (just except that I miss you much) until i saw the photos on my newsfeed. I suppressed that jealousy and sadness at Japan in front of Mel n Isa. When I came back, I agree that I over-reacted a little. Okay maybe not little, considering from your perspective. Apart from that, when u said that you shared a lot in common with the girls, it was more than just jealousy. Actually, it was more of envy than anything else. I thought i was the person who shared the most common stuff with you in the past; we were easily best frens, lovers, soul mates packaged in one. Yet, after June ended, it felt like we were distances apart. Everything reduced to just lovers. it was hard, for me to accept that my role evolved, and that you changed, along with my sensitivity and foolishness. so i let jealousy took reign over my head, and then came the honesty issue. towards you, I can safely say I was honest whenever you were present. just like what kb said, I am an open book. it is indeed challenging for me to hide my emotions. in that aspect, i have always been honest with you, cross my heart. this was also the reason I was comfortable with you, and agreed to this r/s in the first place, cos I didn't have to put on a mask like anybody else. but now knowing that you didn't reciprocate that level of honesty, using the reason that you didn't want to make things worse btwn us, it's really upsetting. now i'm not even sure if these 4 years plus you displayed any truth in your emotions and feelings. sure, you demonstrate acts of love and affection, but in a r/s, it's not just those acts that count. to me, you being honest about how you feel is important. otherwise, this r/s might as well be one-sided. if you say that it already has been for the past 4 years, then I would be truly hurt. I asked to see those messages just to merely see if any 'illegal' stuff were gg on and also to see what she means to you. I wouldn't delete anything. Your refusing to allow me to see those messages only gave me more unnecessary suspicions, worrying and yes immense sadness. you were gg to spend a night with them; was it really so difficult to give me a peace of mind before you go? Now, everytime i turn slightly away, you would shift your entire focus to ur hp/laptop n check fb. this checking of fb is getting a little overwhelming for me. firstly, it reeks of your disinterest to me and everything else surrounding you; secondly, srsly you might as well marry your phone or more specifically fb account if you were gg to spend more time with fb than me. is getting back to your fb messages promptly more important than reality? has technology really swept you off your feet so much so you forget what quality time is? ok this is enough rambling. dunno if you'll see this but this is just what's gg on in this bird brain of mine.